Funny Short Saying
Second marriage: the triumph of hope over experience.
Samuel Johnson (1709-1784)
Marriage, n. The state or condition of a community consisting of a master, a mistress and two slaves, making in all, two.
Ambrose Bierce (1842-1914)
One never married, and that was his hell; another did, and that was his.
Robert Burton (1577-1640)
Keep your eyes wide open before marriage, and half shut afterwards.
Benjamin Franklin (1706-1790)
A legal or religious ceremony by which two persons of the opposite sex solemnly agree to harass and spy on each other...until death do them join.
Elbert Hubbard (1856-1915)
The trouble with marriage is that, while every woman is at heart a mother, every man is at heart a bachelor.
Edward Verrall Lucas (1868-1938)
I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury.
Groucho Marx (1890-1977)
When a woman marries again, it is because she detested her first husband. When a man marries again, it is because he adored his first wife. Women try their luck; men risk theirs.
Oscar Wilde (1854-1900)
Fashion is a form of ugliness so intolerable that we have to alter it every six months.
Oscar Wilde
Fashion, n. A despot whom the wise ridicule -- and obey.
The Devil's Dictionary Ambrose Bierce (1842 -1914)
Every generation laughs at the old fashions, but follows religiously the new.
Henry David Thoreau
Much smoking kills live men and cures dead swine.
George D. Prentice
Rather, she [Death] simply is the Ultimate Hostess who tells you when your table's ready. It's up to other powers what section you're seated in (smoking or non-smoking).
John C. Straffin
More than one cigar at a time is excessive smoking.
Mark Twain
To cease smoking is the easiest thing I ever did. I ought to know because I've done it a thousand times. Mark Twain
Brigands demand your money or your life; women require both.
Samuel Butler
Women are like cars: we all want a Ferrari, sometimes want a pickup truck, and end up with a station wagon.
Tim Allen
I used to have Mad Cow's disease, but I'm alright Nooooooooow.
Billy Connolly
I went to a meeting for premature ejaculators. I left early.
Jack Benny
I told my wife the truth. I told her I was seeing a psychiatrist. Then she told me the truth: that she was seeing a psychiatrist, two plumbers, and a bartender.
Rodney Dangerfield
People always ask me 'Were you funny as a child?' Well, I was an accountant.
Ellen DeGeneres
I sold my house this week. I got a pretty good price for it, but it made my landlord mad as hell.
Garry Shandling
I've often wanted to drown my troubles, but I can't get my wife to go swimming.
Jimmy Carter
I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman where the Self Help section was. She said if she told me it would defeat the purpose.
Dennis Miller
Denial ain't just a river in Egypt.
Mark Twain