Funny Joke Saying
I went to a meeting for premature ejaculators. I left early.
Jack Benny
When I was a kid I used to pray every night for a new bike. Then I realised that The Lord doesn't work that way, so I stole one and asked him to forgive me.
Emo Philips
I met this guy who said he loved children, then I found out he was on parole for it.
Monica Piper
Have you heard about the Irishman who reversed into a car boot sale and sold the engine?
Frank Carson
My apartment was robbed and everything was replaced with exact replicas... I told my roommate and he said 'Do I know you?'
Steven Wright
I had lunch with a chess champion the other day. I knew he was a chess champion because it took him 20 minutes to pass the salt.
Eric Sykes
Duct tape is like the Force. It has a light side, a dark side, and it holds the universe together.
Carl Zwanzig
When I was a kid my favorite relative was Uncle Caveman. After school we'd all go play in his cave, and every once in a while he would eat one of us. It wasn't until later that I found out that Uncle Caveman was a bear.
Jack Handey
I told my wife the truth. I told her I was seeing a psychiatrist. Then she told me the truth: that she was seeing a psychiatrist, two plumbers, and a bartender.
Rodney Dangerfield
I had plenty of pimples as a kid. One day I fell asleep in the library. When I woke up, a blind man was reading my face.
Rodney Dangerfield
My mom was a ventriloquist and she always was throwing her voice. For ten years I thought the dog was telling me to kill my father.
Wendy Leibman
Yeah, I know I'm ugly...I said to a bartender, 'Make me a zombie.' He said 'God beat me to it.'
Rodney Dangerfield
So I said, 'Where do you want to go for your anniversary?' She said: 'I want to go somewhere I've never been before.' I said, 'Try the kitchen.'
Henry Youngman (Goodfellas, 1990)
I write for Reader's Digest. It's not hard. All you do is copy out an article and mail it in again.
Milt Kamen
Show me a sane man and I will cure him for you.
Carl Gustav Jung
It is easier to fight for principles than to live up to them.
Alfred Adle
Not a shred of evidence exists in favor of the idea that life is serious.
Brendan Gill
Girls are like pianos. When they're not upright, they're grand.
Benny Hill
Put your hand on a hot stove for a minute, and it seems like an hour. Sit with a pretty girl for an hour, and it seems like a minute. That's relativity.
Albert Einstein
Of the delights of this world, man cares most for sexual intercouse, yet he has left it out of his heaven.
Mark Twain
As to marriage or celibacy, let a man take the course he will. He will be sure to repent.
Socrates
A husband is what's left of the lover after the nerve has been extracted.
Helen Rowland
A bachelor is a selfish, undeserving guy who has cheated some woman out of a divorce.
Don Quinn
Marriage is a great institution, but I'm not ready for an institution yet.
Mae West
Marriage is the triumph of imagination over intelligence. Second marriage is the triumph of hope over experience.
Oscar Wilde
My advice to you is to get married. If you find a good wife, you'll be happy; if not, you'll become a philosopher.
Socrates
He who knows that enough is enough will always have enough.
Lao Tsu
Never invest your money in anything that eats or needs painting.
Billy Rose
A rich man's joke is always funny.
Proverb