Funny Bush Saying
President Bush said it's now time for a change in Iraq and he wants them to have a Western-style democracy like ours. So right now in Iraq, the economy is collapsing, businessmen are corrupt, and
Hussein wants his son to take over as president. Sounds like mission
accomplished.
Jay Leno
President Bush remained undeterred by the massive display of American opposition, even though much of it came from the hundreds of thousands of voters who supported [him] by voting for Nader.
Jon Stewart, on anti-war protests
New rumors that Saddam Hussein is planning to flee to a castle in Libya with 10 billion dollars. Now President Bush doesn't know whether to nuke him or give him a tax cut.
Craig Kilborn
This week President Bush insisted he is absolutely convinced that Saddam had a weapons program. Of course he was absolutely convinced that he won the 2000 election, so I don't know.
Jay Leno
President Bush delivered his first State of the Union address, riding high on an 82-percent approval rating, and with Attorney General John Ashcroft dispatching agents to interview the other 18 percent.
Jon Stewart
As of yesterday, the Bush administration still hadn't found the
source of the White House leak that outed a woman as a CIA operative. To recap, here are the things President Bush can't find: The source of the leak, weapons of mass destruction in Iraq, Saddam Hussein, Osama bin laden, the link between Saddam and Osama bin laden, the guy who sent the anthrax through the mail, and his butt with two hands and a flashlight.
Tina Fey, Saturday Night Live's Weekend Update
The White House now has disputed allegations by members of the House Intelligence Committee that President Bush went to war with Iraq based on vague intelligence. Of course he did. Everything Bush does is based on vague intelligence.
Jay Leno
The Justice Department launched an investigation into who in the
White House leaked classified info to the press. The big question is, 'What did President Bush not know and when did he not know it?'
Craig Kilborn
They are having a panel look into the intelligence failures in Iraq. It is a seven-person panel and it will include Senator John McCain, but the findings from this panel will not be issued until after the election. President Bush says the commission can go off and report
back in a year, you know, the same way it works in the Texas National
Guard.
Bill Maher
In response to a request by the 9/11 commission the White House
agreed to declassify the president's daily intelligence briefing from August 6th titled 'Bin Laden Determined to Attack Inside the United States.' The commission also wants to see the August 20th briefing, 'No Seriously Bin Laden Determined to Attack Inside the United States' and also from August 26th, 'Mr. President, Please Put Down the Game Boy, Bin Laden Determined to Attack Inside the United States.'
Tina Fey, Saturday Night Live's Weekend Update
President Bush insisted that there was nothing in the August 6, 2001 briefing, which was titled 'Bin Laden determined to attack the United States', that hinted what bin Laden was up to. Bush says that he would have moved mountains to stop the attack. Yeah, but he draws the line at reading a memo.
David Letterman
In Washington, Republicans announcing that President Bush has no idea who leaked this CIA agents name to the press. See you got to feel sorry for Karl Rove and Bush's handlers. For the last couple of years, they've been telling us 'the president is in charge, no one makes moves without his say so.' And now, their only defense is 'He is out of the loop. He is Bush.'
Jay Leno
An aide to the prime minister of
Canada called President Bush a moron. Well that's not fair. Here's a guy who never worked a day in his life, got rich off his Dad's money, lost the popular vote and ended up president. That's not a moron, that's genius!
Jay Leno
The president finally explained why he sat in that classroom on 9/11 for 7 minutes after he was told the country was under attack. He said he was 'collecting his thoughts.' What a time to start a new hobby.'
Bill Maher
Last night, in a prime-time address, President Bush said he backed limited federal funding for stem cell research. That's right, the President said, this is a quote, the research could help cure brain diseases like Alzheimer's, Parkinson's, and whatever it is I have.
Conan O'Brien
Bush has a new campaign slogan. It's 'Reformer with Results' Which I think is a big improvement on the old one: 'A Dumb Gu with Connections.'
David Letterman
George W. Bush has been invoking a lot of Bible imagery. He said Jesus also had 20 missing years and never held a job he couldn't get through his dad.''
Jay Leno
We've got drunk and drunker running here. I say we vote for Bush and Cheney just to get them off the damn highway.
Jay Leno, on revelations that Bush and Cheney have three DUIsbetween the two of them
How do you look so youthful and rested? —David Letterman, interviewing
George W. Bush in 2000 Fake it. Bush And that's pretty much how you're going to run the country?
Letterman
Both candidates are feeling the pressure....Al Gore has been testy with his staff and late today George W. Bush broke down and yelled at his parents, 'You promised!'
Bill Maher, on the 2000 Florida recount
There is still no winner. There is a state of confusion and not knowing in America. So I guess the Bush era has begun.
Bill Maher, on the 2000 Florida recount
Well if you're just waking up, the election is over and we have a president, George W. Bush. This is nice, for everyone who wondered what it would be like if Dan Quayle was president, well, here you go.
David Letterman
Dick Cheney has been on TV everywhere. He's doing press conferences, he's setting up the transition team back in Washington...What's Bush doing? Bush is relaxing on the ranch. Which guy had the heart attack?
Jay Leno
Earlier this afternoon, George W. Bush resigned as the governor of Texas. This is historic. It's the first job he's left without going bankrupt. It was a nice ceremony. The state of Texas saidwhile he's president, they'll let him stop by every once in a while and execute
someone.
Jay Leno
Hillary Clinton met with incoming First Lady Laura Bush. They had tea. Actually, Laura Bush does have something in common with Hillary Clinton. She also has no idea what her husband is doing in the Oval Office.
Jay Leno
He is the new president, although old habits die hard. It's funny with Bush. Now whenever the Secret Service knocks on the door, he keeps flushing stuff down the toilet.
Jay Leno
On Saturday, amidst pomp and extenuating circumstance, (Bush) will be sworn in as leader of the free world ... The only non-traditional element in this inauguration is that the winner will be watching it from Carthage, Tennessee.
Jon Stewart